Inspiration Behind My Painting “In Supplication”: Part 3. The Big Reveal.
© 2022 Deborah Crutis Designs.
The show 60 Minutes on CBS aired a show introducing the American public to this disease. On the show, what we were facing was called The Cruelest Disease You've Never Heard Of. What Is Frontotemporal Dementia? CBS has aired this show three times so far (link below). It reached a pretty broad audience and got people's attention. For that, people living with what is now called "FTD," we were grateful that at least some information was getting out there.
The show mildly depicted the various disorders identified and associated with FTD. It didn't come close to reality, but at least the topic of FTD was out there. Rich was diagnosed with one of the most challenging ones, bvFTD or the behavioral variant. By not leaving the show available for free for everyone, I feel it's a great disservice to the public.
Since the show is still bringing awareness to Frontotemporal Degeneration, I think it should be free for anyone to watch. CBS has chosen to make it available only to subscribers. Knowledge and information take a back seat to profits once again.
Like me, unless you are aware of the existence of FTD, your loved one's strange decisions and personality change will leave you exasperated. You won't know what it is you are dealing with. It is like a thief in the night stealing the very soul of your loved one. This is not like Alzheimer's at all. It is not "an old person's disease." Yet, Alzheimer's appears to be only type of dementia the general public is aware of. That was my experience as well until Rich's diagnosis.
My personal goal for sharing the show on social media and its contents was to warn people that this set of symptoms known as FTD strikes young people in the prime of their lives. For Rich, I think he was around 48 years young at the time. It began with an unexplained mini-stroke that came from out of nowhere. But, there are cases of people in their twenties. Diagnosis at a young age often brings with it financial devastation. Make sure you have short and long-term healthcare coverage!
You may also be surprised to learn that often persons with FTD don't qualify for hospice when they really need it because hospice uses Alzheimer's criteria and FTD is not Alzheimer's. FTD persons often die before receiving hospice services because doctors cannot determine when they are within a year to six months of dying. As a Caregiver, you are often in the dark as to where you are at in the journey.
The stress as a Caregiver is indescribable. You are always on high alert waiting for "the next thing." You are in a constant "on the edge of your seat" state of alertness while also dealing with the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual changes of someone you love. It will test you on every single level, and even some you may not have considered.
Three Moves, Then Back Home To Michigan
After moving back to our home state of Michigan from Arizona, there was so much to adjust to. The family got back to their normal busy lives. We got settled into our new apartment. Then reality set in. We were on our own.
The family was there if we had a dire need, but they were struggling with their own new grief in their own ways. I had years to adjust to Rich's condition. For the family, it was like an open fresh wound. We had to respect their journey as well.
We had been living in southwest Florida for nine years and then the Sonoran Desert in Arizona for four years. We had not been in a real "winter season" for about 15 years. That in itself is a huge adjustment.
I call November in Michigan "doom and gloom." I found myself seriously dealing with seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and anticipatory grief. For the first time in my life, I was dealing with depression. It was all just too much for my heart and body to bear.
When I realized the seriousness of my situation, I decided to do some research on services that were available in my county. If I couldn't take care of myself, I certainly couldn't take care of Rich.
I found Senior Resources. I set up an appointment with an in-home counselor. I now call her my angel! She listens to all of my concerns, past, and present. We discuss topics that I cannot discuss with family or friends because it would be "tmi."
God Gave Me A Vision
About March of 2019, I was just starting to come out of this depression with my counselor's help when God gave me a vision. Every time I think about it, I am taken right back to exactly how I felt at the time.
I found myself standing in the middle of a grassy meadow in deep stillness in the middle of the night. There was a warm gentle breeze that rustled the leaves on the birch trees. I could hear a flock of Canada Geese in the distance, winging their way to a new feeding ground. The crickets were loudly singing with joy as they waited all year for this, the summer season.
As I adjust to being placed in this scene, there's a hush over the meadow. The crickets still, the breeze ceases to stir. There's a heavy feeling of anticipation, like something extraordinary is about to happen.
Then, a beautiful apparition moves past me. To my utter surprise, it's an Angel. A Heavenly Being glides silently above the meadow lighting the grass and the flowers of the meadow with a soft glow, just to my right. She doesn't seem to be aware of my presence. All of nature seems to be in awe of her presence. She gracefully glides to a stop, extending her arms and raising her glorious wings. There is a magnificent full moon that captures her attention. She slightly raises her gaze to its magnificent beauty and begins to pray.
At this time, God let me know that she is my Angel. She is praying for me! Spirit told me to paint her and name the painting…
"In Supplication."
The crickets resumed their serenade and the birch leaves began to whisper... they were telling the story of how one night an Angel appeared in the meadow.
I cried tears of joy! He had given me such a special gift! I felt so undeserving of His attention and unconditional love. Yet, I needed it so desperately.
I started painting right away the next day. First, I finished the sky and the moon. I guess I couldn’t wait to paint this part of the scene.
I have to explain something that I'm not sure I'll be able to convey clearly with words so that you'll understand.
I may be the one creating the composition, mixing colors, applying each and every stroke and detail. Yet, I am just as in awe as anyone else at the results! Why? Because He is working "through" me. It is His message, His gift... I am a humble tool. And it's a privilege.
This painting and vision also inspired a poem:
In Supplication
In the deep stillness of the night,
After the farthest stars wink awake
And the sun has gone far from sight,
Thoughts can become too hard to take.
So many loved ones, no longer living here.
Memories funneling quickly through my mind.
Loneliness easily sets in, expressing a tear.
God says my purpose is to be loving and kind.
Days quickly slip by, trying to keep my heart pure.
I seem to weaken from daily effort and strain,
My journey seems in shadows, the road ahead unsure.
I cannot focus on self-doubt, negativity and pain.
Instead, I turn my focus, my heart and thoughts to Love,
Love of all the Earth, Creator of the Moon, Stars and Sun.
He sends His Guardian Angel, with the whir of golden wings from above.
She prays in supplication on my behalf, to the Risen One, the Son.
This painting project ended up being put on pause... for a year. I was just too busy dealing with Rich's needs, his various steady and inevitable declines towards the end of his journey.
I have to feel at peace and connect with God in order to work on projects like this one — in order to convey His message. I was struggling with making that connection. All I could feel was pain and loss… with my husband, or who had become, still right next to me.
With the Coronavirus Pandemic underway, we were in lockdown since March 13th, 2020. I needed the Angel part of the painting completed ASAP!
Somehow, God's Spirit helped me to finish this painting. I knew somewhere deep inside that the hardest part of the entire journey lay ahead.
I truly needed this painting project to be finished to help uplift my spirit. He was making me aware that I will never be alone. It was a reassurance that even after I walk this earthly journey alone, He and His angel will be watching over me.
Just in time for Easter 2020, I completed “In Supplication.” When I sign a painting, I never touch it again, except to seal and protect it. It was finished.
I hope you can feel God's presence when you look upon it and feel comforted knowing that God has His Angels watching over each one of us.
Be well, be blessed,
