One Year Death Anniversary Emotions
It’s hard to believe that it has been one year since my best friend, my confidante, my partner, my lover, my beloved husband left — he was called home by His Lord.
My husband, Rich, didn’t have an easy journey, but he accepted it with bravery and courage. After all of the worrying, the doubts, the strange behaviors, and mood swings, we finally had a name for what was to become known as the “S.O.B.”
It was so much easier blaming a common enemy than creating a situation of “Rich versus me.” After all, we were both victims of the S.O.B.
The S.O.B. created situations, got agitated, threatening, and angry. The S.O.B. couldn’t remember anything, used blame, and a myriad of other things I don’t want to remember clearly. Let it all fade away into nothingness. Why give it power, importance, energy in my daily thoughts? Better to let it go dormant and disappear forever.
I would find out only after a brain autopsy what the medical diagnosis for the S.O.B. was. Read about PSP here. It is insidious, like a thief in the night. Stealing your loved one away from you. But this post is about Rich’s death anniversary.
So, I find myself one year down the road from his homecoming. I have many emotions. Most days, I go about my business, tasks to complete, lists to check off.
But today, Sunday, the one-year anniversary, I let go and let it come. The grief rose in my chest and tears overflowed, running down my cheeks. And, all is as it should be. This is “doing the work.” Dealing with the great loss. I’m facing it, not running from it. There is no “normal” when it comes to grieving. Whatever you are feeling; feel it. It’s real. It’s a cleansing healing thing. It’s part of love and loss. It’s part of being human.
“The song is ended but the melody lingers on.”
— Irving Berlin
Along with the grieving, I was being pushed — by God Himself. It began about a month ago. It started out as a barely perceptible feeling. One that I had to stop what I was doing and try to discern exactly what it was. Then, the ideas and images floated across my mind. He wanted me to get going with my art business. He wanted me to apply to the Three Rivers Artists Guild. He wanted me to actively reach out for opportunities in my area.
Of course, my first response was a human one. I argued, “Why now? I’m not ready. I really don’t have a body of work to get behind.” I should know better than to argue with Him. He’s always right and I’m at fault.
I took a deep breath and said, “Okay, I’ll do it.” And I took action that day. It was about a week later that I arranged a meeting with Tom Long, the Librarian at the Schoolcraft Public Library. He said they wanted to start 2022 with an art exhibition. I brought some pieces along for him to see what I do. They were pieces that I would never sell. Art from my own private collection. They were all I had.
Well, I did have one piece, “A New Day Dawns At The Lake” (see photo below), that I completed on September 1, 2021. This was the only painting I completed last year due to my sadness and my husband’s passing. And then I bought a home and moved as well.
Then, in November 2021, I started another painting but got too busy to finish it. What was God thinking? How in the world do you have a solo art exhibition with nothing really to show but a few pieces you didn’t want to sell? Crazy, right?
© 2022 Deborah Curtis Designs.
A New Day Dawns At The Lake
I will save the rest of this story for the next post.
I have turned a corner. I am leaving my “Caregiver” self behind, in the past. (I give it a capital “C” because it deserves it). My grieving is not over, but it will no longer define me or be my focus. I am looking forward. I am ready to walk down my new path, walking into the future.
Thank you for your interest in my journey and for visiting me.
Be well, be blessed.
